Inner Child Healing: Why You React the Way You Do (and How to Heal It)
- @wellnthriving
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
Have you ever had one of those moments where you’re like…“Why did I just react like that?” Maybe someone didn’t text you back and suddenly your chest gets tight.
Or you get a little feedback and your whole mood drops like a rock.
Or someone changes plans and your brain immediately goes to:
“I’m not important.”“They don’t care.”“I messed everything up.”
And logically, you know it’s not that deep.
But your body doesn’t feel logical in that moment.
That’s usually the moment your inner child shows up — not as some cute concept — but as the part of you that learned a long time ago: "This doesn’t feel safe.”
And your adult self responds the only way you learned to survive it.
What Inner Child Healing Actually Means (In Real Life)
Your inner child is the emotional version of you from earlier years — the part that learned what love felt like, how safe it was to speak up, and what happened when you needed something. And your adult coping response is what you do now to protect yourself from feeling that same old pain.
So the thing isn’t: “Why am I like this?”
It’s more like: “What did I go through that made this feel necessary?”
Because most of us didn’t become anxious, guarded, controlling, people-pleasing, or emotionally shut down for no reason. We became that way because at some point…It worked.
Why This Happens (Even If You Had a “Good” Childhood)
Sometimes people hear “inner child healing” and immediately think it only applies if you had a traumatic childhood.
But honestly?
A lot of inner child wounds come from things that look small on the outside but feel big to a nervous system.
Things like:
You weren’t comforted when you cried
You were told you were “too sensitive”
Love felt conditional (you had to behave, perform, or be easy)
You had to grow up fast
You felt responsible for other people’s emotions
You didn’t feel emotionally safe expressing anger, fear, sadness
You were overlooked, compared, or dismissed
Nobody taught you how to handle emotions… so you learned to hide them
And then adulthood comes…
…and it’s like you’re trying to live a grown life with the emotional wiring of a child who didn’t feel fully held.
That’s not your fault.
That’s conditioning.
Inner Child Needs vs Adult Coping: The “Real Life” Version
Here are some common ones — and I promise you’ll recognize yourself in at least one.
You don’t need control…you need safety
Inner child need: safety and stability
Adult coping response: controlling everything (or trying to)
You might:
overthink every detail
struggle to relax
feel uneasy when you don’t know what’s coming next
get overwhelmed when plans change
What’s really happening:
Your nervous system is basically saying:“If I can predict it, I can survive it.”
You don’t need to chase love…you need consistency
Inner child need: steady love and connection
Adult coping response: clinging, overgiving, chasing
You might:
do too much too soon
ignore red flags because you don’t want to lose them
stay in situations where you feel emotionally starved
settle for breadcrumbs
What’s really happening:
Your inner child is hoping:“If I love harder, I won’t get left.”
You don’t need to prove yourself…you need to feel worthy
Inner child need: validation + enoughness
Adult coping response: perfectionism, overachieving
You might:
tie your worth to productivity
feel anxious when resting
feel guilty for not doing “more”
always feel behind, no matter how much you do
What’s really happening:
Your inner child learned: “I’m lovable when I perform.”
You don’t need to be strong… you need support
Inner child need: comfort + someone to lean on
Adult coping response: hyper-independence
You might:
struggle to ask for help
feel uncomfortable receiving
keep everything to yourself
secretly wish someone would just notice you’re not okay
What’s really happening:
Your inner child is protecting you from disappointment: “If I don’t need anyone, nobody can fail me.”
You don’t need to numb…you need to feel safe enough to feel
Inner child need: space to express emotions
Adult coping response: numbing, scrolling, dissociating, staying busy
You might:
avoid silence
distract yourself constantly
overthink instead of feeling
feel emotionally “shut off”
What’s really happening:
Your inner child is saying:“If I feel it, I’ll fall apart.”
You don’t need to keep everyone happy…you need to feel secure in love
Inner child need: acceptance and belonging
Adult coping response: people-pleasing + self-abandoning
You might:
say yes when you mean no
fear conflict
over-explain
feel resentful later
What’s really happening:
Your inner child believes:“If they’re upset, I’m not safe.”
Signs You’re Reacting From Your Inner Child (Not Your Adult Self)
This one is important because it’s not always obvious. You’re probably in an inner-child moment when:
your emotions feel way bigger than the situation
you feel panicky, small, embarrassed, or desperate
your body gets tight or shaky
you want to shut down, run away, or lash out
you take things personally fast
you start telling yourself “I’m not enough” stories
you feel rejected even without proof
Sometimes the best question is: “How old do I feel right now?”
Because when you’re 35 but you feel 9 inside…that’s your clue.
The Coping Responses We Use Most (Without Even Realizing)
Most people fall into one (or two) main coping styles.
The Pleaser: “I’ll keep everyone happy so I don’t get rejected.”
The Overthinker: “If I analyze it enough, I can prevent pain.”
The Avoider: “If I detach first, they can’t hurt me.”
The Performer: “If I impress them, I’ll finally be chosen.”
The One Who Shuts Down: “If I stop feeling, I won’t collapse.”
The Protector (Anger Mode): “If I get tough, nobody can control me.”
And listen — none of these mean you’re toxic.
They mean you’re trying to survive.
How You Start Correcting It (Gently, Not Perfectly)
You don’t heal this by forcing yourself to “act healed.” You heal it by learning how to show up differently one moment at a time.
Here’s what works:
Pause and catch yourself
Next time you feel activated, try: “Okay… something got hit.”
Not “I’m overreacting.
”Not “I’m stupid.”
Just: “Something got hit.”
That simple shift creates space.
Ask what you actually need
Not what you want to do.
What you need.
Examples:
reassurance
clarity
comfort
a boundary
time
rest
validation
support
A lot of us were never taught to identify our needs — so instead, we cope.
Regulate first, talk later
You cannot “logic” yourself out of a triggered nervous system.
Try something small:
hand on chest
slow exhale
feet on the floor
warm tea
step outside
wrap in a blanket
a shower
music that calms you down
It doesn’t need to be dramatic.It needs to tell your body: “We’re safe right now.”
Talk to yourself like someone who deserves love
This is reparenting.
Say something like:
“I’m here.”
“I know this hurts.”
“You don’t have to earn love anymore.”
“We can take this one step at a time.”
“I won’t abandon you.”
Even if it feels awkward at first.
That’s normal.
Replace the coping with a healthier response
You don’t have to change overnight.
Just choose one new move:
Instead of people-pleasing: “Let me think about it and get back to you.”
Instead of shutting down: “I’m overwhelmed. I need a minute.”
Instead of over-explaining: “This is what I need.”
Instead of spiraling: “I’m triggered. Not doomed.”
Those little changes are big.
A 5-Minute Check-In That Actually Helps
Try these journal prompts:
What happened? Just list the facts.
What did I feel in my body? Tight throat, chest pressure, heat, nausea, numbness, etc.
What story did my mind immediately tell? “They don’t care.” “I’m not enough.” “I messed up.”
What did I need in that moment? Reassurance, safety, love, space, validation, support.
What would adult-me do if I felt safe? One sentence.
That’s the pathway back to yourself.
The Real Truth
Your inner child isn’t trying to ruin your life.
They’re trying to protect you from re-living a pain you never fully processed.
And your healing doesn’t come from judging those coping responses.
It comes from recognizing them, understanding them, and gently saying:
“Thank you for trying to keep me safe… but I’ve got it now.”
Because you do.
Even if you’re still learning how.
